


Beyond Repair

by holtzmannzz



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:12:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8581594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzmannzz/pseuds/holtzmannzz
Summary: The woman’s blood boiled as she held her phone up to her ear, listening to the voicemail that had been left for her. She knew, of course, before she even hit play that she would react this way, there was no other reaction when her mother wanted to talk to her. Years of pent-up aggression and rage always showed through, although, unfortunately as she would admit, she was always too chicken shit to do anything about it. She made a point of it to always let her mother’s calls go to voicemail, and she was pretty sure the older woman was grateful for it even though she’d never admit to it. // self-harm and attempted suicide tw





	

The woman’s blood boiled as she held her phone up to her ear, listening to the voicemail that had been left for her. She knew, of course, before she even hit play that she would react this way, there was no other reaction when her mother wanted to talk to her. Years of pent-up aggression and rage always showed through, although, unfortunately as she would admit, she was always too chicken shit to do anything about it. She made a point of it to always let her mother’s calls go to voicemail, and she was pretty sure the older woman was grateful for it even though she’d never admit to it. 

The message started out with the typical small talk as it always did. “Good afternoon Erin, I suppose I must have missed you,” Almost always followed immediately by, “Your father and I would appreciate having you over for dinner [insert day of the week] night. Please call either of us back to confirm plans. See you then.” That’s usually it, no “love yous” or “miss yous” but, that was normal. However, there was a second part to this particular message, as much as Erin had wished that the woman had just hung up as per usual. Her mother continued with, “Erin. Your father and I are donating quite a large sum of money to your old High School for their science department, and the mayor wants to have a photo-op with us for the local news. Both he and the principal requested that you be invited to be in the photos as well. He said it would look better having a previous student there in order to urge other parents to donate as well. Please arrive Saturday at ten o'clock sharp and wear something decent. Goodbye.” And that was it. The phone line went dead and  _ end of message _ played into Erin’s ear, repeating itself a few times before the woman noticed and slammed her phone down onto her desk. She had forgotten where she was for a moment when a small voice chimed in from behind her. 

“You okay baby-cakes?” The other woman sang, not looking up from whatever gadget she was working on. Erin turned to face her, feeling how hot her cheeks already were and trying to calm down so she wouldn’t draw anymore attention to herself. She stuffed her phone into her pocket quickly and stood up from her chair, neatly pushing it back under her desk. 

“Yeah, Holtz, I’m fine, thanks. Just… have to go to the bathroom.” She added softly, walking past the mess of a desk Holtzmann calls her workspace, only slightly noticing the blue eyes peek up at her through yellow goggles. Erin rushed to the bathroom and quietly closed the door behind her, resting her hands on either side of the porcelain sink and letting out a heated breath. Her eyes moved up to look at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were still bright red with anger, but otherwise she looked fine. Erin knew she wasn't going to go, hell, she couldn't believe they even had the balls to ask her. 

Without thinking, she pulled her phone out and punched in her mother's number. The phone rang a few times before clicking to the machine.  _ You've reached Dr. Hilary Gilbert, please leave a detailed message and I will return your call.  _ A loud beep echoed in her ears and, for a few seconds, Erin said nothing. She was about to hang up when she finally started to talk. Well, scream was a more accurate word.

“I _cannot_ believe you have the nerve to call me and tell me you're donating money to the living hell pit that I used to call a High School!  You _know_ how much I hated that place! You saw me come home from school every day crying and refuse to go back the next day! I can't _fucking_ believe you right now!” Her voice was close to breaking a few times, but she focused all of her energy into keeping it strong, so her mother didn't have anything to hold against her. “So if you couldn't already figure it out, I will not be coming to take photos with you and the mayor, and that mother _fucking_ _pathetic_ excuse of a principal! You can all eat shit for all I care!” She huffed out and ended the call, tossing her phone into the sink, hearing a few dull pings as it bounced around. Her hands flew into her hair and Erin closed her eyes, trying to calm down but her heart rate was still beating out of her chest. 

As much as she felt embarrassed and slightly guilty for talking to her mother like that, she couldn't help but feel relieved and even slightly giddy that she had finally done it. She had finally told her mother off, like she f **a** ntasized about doing so many times when she was younger. No one in her life could get under her skin quite like that woman, and she barely even had to try. It felt good to finally lash out. 

Erin was starting to calm down when a few short knocks sounded at the door. “Gilbert?” A small, hushed voice asked. Erin stood up straight and stuffed her phone back into her pocket. Another quick glance into the mirror told her to wipe her cheeks quickly before opening the door. Her hand reached for the knob when the woman on the other side of the door spoke again. “Babe, are you alright?” Erin took a small breath in, feeling goosebumps spread along her arms at the affectionate name, although, she honestly should be used to it at this point. 

She pulled the door open quickly and came face to face with the blonde. Erin mustered out her most believable smile, although she wasn't sure it worked when Holtzmann kept her same expression of concern and curiosity. “Hey Jillian,” Erin started, knowing using the woman's first name was already a red flag that something was wrong. She shook it off and continued. “Sorry, just had to get something off my chest, don't worry about it.” Erin pushed past her, slightly brushing Holtz’s shoulder as she did so and feeling her cheeks flush up at the contact. Luckily though, she was out of sight of the other woman at that point. 

She quickly made her way back to her desk, pulling out a few documents and busying herself as fast as she could so Holtzmann didn't have time to question her about her outburst. She wasn't sure why she didn't expect anyone else to hear her, it's not exactly like the bathrooms here are soundproof. Thank god it was just Holtzmann though, if Abby had heard her there was almost a 100% guarantee she would have started to cry, seeing as Abby would've known exactly who she was talking to on the phone. Erin quickly shook that thought off, not wanting to make herself any more emotional than she already was.

She focused back on the papers in her hands. It was a few moments of re-reading the same paragraph over and over before Erin noticed the other woman walk back into the room. Subconsciously, the woman shifted her body away from the blonde. 

 

~

 

Holtzmann was deep in her project. She was on day three of trying to make an old microwave and bits of steel metal into a ghost cooker, for lack of a better term. The girls didn't have any idea what she was up to, and it was better that way because if they did, they would  _ definitely _ try to butt in, and she wouldn't have any of that. Just as she was about to bust out her blowtorch, she heard a loud thud coming from the far corner where Erin’s desk sat. A quick glance up told her it was the redhead’s cell phone that she slammed down, but before the other could notice Holtzmann looked back down at her project, not wanting to intervene into her business. 

“You okay, baby-cakes?” she asked, feeling a twinge of concern flood through her, but keeping most of her attention still on her tools, as a slight shift of her fingers could blow up the whole firehouse. The blonde heard Erin spit out some bullshit excuse about having to go to the bathroom, but Holtz decided to let it go for now. She had only known Erin for a few months at this point, but she was pretty good at reading her. She could always tell when she was upset, and this was one of those times. 

The bathroom door gingerly shut down the hall and Holtzmann let out a sigh. That was another thing she picked up on about Erin, the bathroom was her safe place. There was more than one occasion that she could recall where the woman had gone there to cry, although she wasn't supposed to know about those times, but it's not her fault she's intuitive. 

Holtzmann focused back on her work, pulling a small screwdriver out of the front pocket of her overalls and using it to tighten some loose screws. 

A few moments of silence went on and, just after Holtz had begun to forget something was wrong, she heard Erin yelling from down the hall. The engineer jumped, slightly burning her hand on a part of her invention. She pressed her finger to her lips to soothe the injury, but she was infinitely more concerned about Erin. Holtzmann pulled her goggles off of her face and hopped off of her stool, quietly but quickly walking towards the bathroom. 

As she got to the door, the woman inside had been silent for a few seconds so Holtz lightly raised her hand and knocked. “Gilbert?” She practically whispered, afraid to scare the other woman. She could hear Erin fussing about inside with something, trying to be quiet about it. Holtz noticed her breathing heavily and asked, “Babe, are you alright?” Her question was followed by another few seconds of silence before Erin opened the door. Her face was red and puffy, she had definitely been crying, but.. She didn’t look sad.  Holtzmann was about to ask her again if she was alright but was taken aback by the use of her first name. Not that it was  _ totally  _ weird, it just didn’t usually come from Erin. She wasn’t paying attention to what the redhead was saying as she rushed past her and went back into the main room. She stood there for a while, standing in front of the now open bathroom door, a quick glance inside told her that nothing was messed with in there. A few seconds later, Holtz walked back to her lab, eyes locked on the other woman as she turned her chair away. She could swear she felt her heart break a little at being closed off like this, but she knew Erin was sensitive enough that she shouldn’t press this right away. 

 

~

 

The rest of the day went along fairly uneventfully. A few times, Holtz had noticed Erin’s phone buzz on her table, though the woman made no attempt to answer it. She had made a mental note to ask the physicist about that later. Abby and Patty brought them lunch, cheesesteaks from the place just down the road, Holtz’s favorite. The four of them ate around the only clean table on the second floor, a small, circular silver table that was standing height, although Abby had bought them each barstools insisting they have  _ somewhere  _ to sit and eat. Patty spent almost the entire meal talking about how they were having some huge family get together that weekend and how she had been in charge of bringing something to eat. “Maybe I’ll just buy a shit ton of burgers, they know they can’t put me in charge of that, I ain’t got a thousand dollars to buy everyone a gourmet meal.” They all laughed, Holtzmann was even happy to see a smile from Erin. Abby suggested Chinese takeout. 

They got a call around two o’clock from a man swearing he had seen a ghost in his back garden, so the four of them suited up and went out. It was a fairly simple bust, the ghost wasn’t even that violent, Abby had gotten a few dug up roses thrown her way, and Erin had fallen into a mud puddle. (Although, they were all pretty sure that was her own fault). The whole project took about a half an hour. Holtz had noticed how quiet Erin had been the whole time. She wanted to ask Abby and Patty if they had noticed anything off about her, but she felt guilty digging into the other woman’s problems without an invitation. 

Back at the firehouse, everyone started their own personal projects when Patty called up for them from the main floor. Holtz got up immediately and flung herself down the firepole, landing, not so gracefully, at the bottom. She noticed Erin had taken the more sensible option as she looked around and noticed the redhead descending the steps. Abby had stepped out of the kitchen and joined the three of them by the entrance. “What’s up, Patty?” She asked, a half-eaten bowl of soup in her hands. 

“Aight, you guys, I’m so  _ so  _ sorry, but my uncle is gonna kill me if I’m late to this family thing, and my flight just got cancelled again so I gotta take the earlier one, which means I gotta head out like  _ now _ . Can one of you take my night shift please?” She asked, already having a bag slung around her shoulders. She had addressed Abby and Holtzmann, already knowing that Erin was signed on to the shift that night. It was regulation to have 50% of the team at HQ at all times. Kevin didn’t count. Abby was the first to answer.

“Shit, I can’t! I’m supposed watch my neighbors dog this weekend, she asked me like a month ago. I can probably get away with bringing him over here though, if Holtz can’t do it?” She offered, knowing full well the firehouse was really  _ no _ place for a dog, what with Holtz’s lab upstairs. 

The quirky engineer stood up straight and smiled. “No worries, Patty, I got you.” She saluted. “No plans for me tonight, I was planning on watching this documentary on sea turtles, but I can catch it another time.” She smiled, slinging an arm loosely around Erin’s shoulders, trying to ignore the slight cringe the woman had as soon as Holtz touched her. 

“Fine by me,” Erin chimed in. Abby smiled and Patty thanked Holtz again before waving goodbye to all of them and hopping in a Taxi that she had called for. It wasn’t long after that Abby decided to head out for the night too. “The dog’s probably gotta go outside anyway,” She added, giving both of them a light hug before stepping out. 

The two women left in the firehouse looked at each other. Holtz gave a two fingered salute and went back to work on her project from earlier, deciding that, with all this new time, she might as well see if she can get it finished. 

Erin tried to focus on her equations, but now that she had time to think her mind kept flashing back to her outburst earlier. Trying to hide it from the other woman, she quietly pulled out her phone and checked all of her messages. She had 9 missed calls, 4 voicemails and several unread messages from both of her parents. Without a second thought, she deleted everything and stuffed her phone into a drawer in her desk. She was going to get away with this, and she wasn’t about to let them ruin her. Again. 

A few hours went by with little talk between the two women, Erin always found it extremely dangerous to interrupt Holtzmann when she was that deep into a project. It almost always ended up with one, or both, of them getting injured or at least partially blowing up the table. She yawned and stood up from her chair, lifting a hand to rub her neck, which had gone stiff from not moving. The clock on her desk told her it was almost eleven, which caught her by surprise. She could have  _ sworn  _ it was barely dinner time. “Hey Holtz?” She asked, turning around to face the other woman. She figured it was safe to interrupt her since she didn’t hear any power tools running. The blonde’s head perked up almost instantly, flashing her bright blue eyes that were plagued by deep purple under-eye circles. 

“Yea, hot stuff?” The engineer flirted, sticking a screwdriver behind her ear and smirking. Even though she was covered in grease and sweaty, Erin couldn’t help but think how beautiful she looked. Shaking off that thought, the redhead remembered what she wanted to ask. 

“Why didn’t you tell me it was so late? Are you not hungry?” She wondered, knowing that usually Holtz whined for dinner constantly until someone fed her, it was way past dinner time. The blonde glanced at the clock and then at her own wristwatch to confirm the time. “Shit,” She said, very matter-of-factly. “I didn’t realize. Guess I’m not hungry. Don’t worry about it, there’s plenty of leftovers in the fridge if I get hungry later.” She smiled, taking her goggles off of her head and moving her feet up to rest on her desk, slightly knocking over a pile of papers. “Did you eat?” She asked, not sure if the other woman had gotten up at any point in the night. 

“Uh, no,” Erin answered, moving an arm across her stomach as she felt it growl. “I’m not hungry.” She lied. “I’m gonna head off to bed I think, please don’t stay up too late.” She added, knowing the engineer could stay up longer than anyone she’d ever met. Some nights she swore Holtz didn’t sleep at all. 

“Yes ma’am.” Holtzmann winked at her. Erin smiled and grabbed her phone from her desk drawer. She climbed the stairs up to the third floor where their beds were at. Erin approached hers and shrugged off her shoes, sliding them gently under the bed frame and out of sight. She changed into her pajamas, a loose white shirt and dark grey sweatpants. She wasn’t even particularly tired, she just needed to get out of there. Her mind was going numb with equations and theories and she needed a break. Shrugging down onto her bed, she sat in the dark for a few moments before pulling out her phone, noticing a few new texts that she'd acquired while she was working. Her mind said to delete them, but she couldn’t get her fingers to move right. She opened the string of messages from her mother and felt her breath catch in her throat as she read them. 

_ Erin, I’m very disappointed in this behaviour. Your father and I expected an adult reaction from you. Stop being so childish.  _

_ Erin, answer me this moment. I cannot tolerate this any longer.  _

_ Erin, you need to grow up. I thought therapy had fixed you, but I can see you’re still in need of some help. I can give you the name of a psychiatrist I know of, she comes very highly reccomended by my colleagues.  _

_ Erin, if this is about that “ghost” stuff, you need to allow yourself to move on.  _

_ Erin, your father and I have decided we no longer want you to come on Saturday. Respect our wishes.  _

Erin felt a tear drop from her face and land on her hand as she read the messages. She made an attempt to wipe away the wetness from her cheeks but her hands were shaking so bad she didn’t get very far. Her phone dropped to the ground with a dull thud and landed somewhere underneath her bed. She never wanted to see that  _ fucking _ phone ever again. 

Strangely, she felt calm. She could feel her body temperature rising, and her heart rate picking up. She could feel sweat collecting on her forehead and her muscles clenching, but still, she couldn’t help but feel at ease. Another tear dropped down her cheek before she stood up, not even sure of where she was going. She could hear Holtzmann downstairs heating something in the microwave, and a part of her wanted to call out, to ask for her to come upstairs and watch her so she didn’t do anything stupid, but she couldn’t force herself to speak up. 

After a few moments of wandering around the floor, Erin ended up in front of one of the windows across from their beds. The night sky was blank, the lights of the city fighting off her view of any stars. Cars rushed by and sirens could be heard in the distance, but Erin wasn’t processing any of it. Instead, the same thought kept repeating itself in her head. 

_ How long would it take my parents to notice if I jumped?  _

She shook her head, trying to shake off the thoughts, but her eyes stayed dazed, staring out into the city. 

_ They would  probably learn about it in the newspaper. ‘Suicide of Ghostbuster’. They wouldn’t even read the article.  _

She blinked her eyes a few times, taking no notice of the tears that freely streamed down her cheeks. 

_ Three storeys up is enough… right?  _

Without thinking, Erin reached for the lock on the window and slid it open, pushing the pane of glass out slowly, feeling the cool New York air creep over her, giving her goosebumps. 

_ I thought therapy had fixed you.  _

Her hands grasped onto the sides of the window, letting her body lean slightly out of it without risk of falling. 

_ I thought therapy had fixed you. _

“Am I still broken?” She asked out loud, to nobody in particular. Her leg lifted off of the ground, perching itself on the ledge of the window. Erin could feel her body swaying and starting to go numb from the cool air. A little voice inside of her head whispered,  _ “Yes, you are,”  _ and she stood upright in the windowsill. Her eyes fell to the ground. There were people walking by, they all looked so busy, so caught up in their own lives. They had no idea. Her head fell and her eyes closed, she let out a long breath. Her fingers started to twitch.

“Erin?” The smallest of voices from behind her broke her trance.

Erin’s entire body tensed up as she swung around and stepped out from the window. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks were stained with tears. She opened her mouth to speak, but could only manage a few choked mumbles. 

The blonde took a few small, hesitant steps towards the other, her arms outstretched slightly to show she meant no harm. “I just…” She started, her voice sounding strange in the atmosphere of the room. “Came up to get something in my bag.” Holtzmann stopped when she was a few feet from Erin, noticing how the other woman became more and more tense at every step. “What were you doing?” She asked, afraid to know the answer. 

Erin thought about it for a second. What  _ was _ she doing? She wasn’t about to jump… was she? No, no, but… she wanted to. 

“I thought I could use some fresh air,” The redhead motioned towards the window. It was a horrible lie, and she knew it right away from the expression on Holtzmann's face. “It was stuffy in here,” Erin continued, hoping that maybe she could just forget all of this and disappear. 

“Why are you crying?” Holtzmann asked, her voice more serious than Erin had ever heard it be. Erin tried to hide her face and quickly wipe the tears away, but it was too late. 

“I don’t know what you mean. I wasn’t crying, just… Got numb from the air, that’s all.” She lied, trying her hardest to fake a smile, but a small sob broke out. Her mind flashed back to standing up on the windowsill, and to how close she was to actually jumping. 

“I’m not stupid, Erin.” Holtzmann blurted out. It was so strange, Erin thought, to hear her like this. Using her first name and being serious about it. It was so… unlike her. 

“I didn’t…” Erin started, shaking her head.  _ No, no, you’re not stupid Jillian, you’re not. You’re smart, you’re brilliant. I’m nothing next to you. _

“You weren’t…” Holtzmann started, swallowing hard and hurting her throat. She looked around the room, to the neatly folded clothes next to Erin’s bed, and then to the open window outlooking the sidewalk next to the Firehouse. Finally, she locked eyes with a shaky, broken looking Erin Gilbert. “Going to…” She could hardly get herself to finish her thought. Never in her life would she peg this wonderful, bubbly, happy-go-lucky nerd as someone who would kill herself. Holtzmann knew Erin had had a rough past but she thought that they were helping her. She thought they were making her happy again. “You were going to jump.” A lump in her throat the size of a golf ball nearly made her choke. She couldn’t breathe, but she needed to keep calm. 

Erin , on the other hand, was about as far away from calm as she could get. The woman had started to sweat again, and her entire body was shaking. She started to give very loud, unstable breaths and felt her knees go out underneath her. She was about to crash to the ground when she saw the other woman’s eyes go wide. Before her mind went blank, she felt two strong hands grab hold of her shoulders and support her just enough to ease her to the floor without injury. 

 

~

 

Holtzmann ran when she saw Erin falling. Her hands grabbing ahold of Erin’s arms just as she was about to hit the ground, stopping her from some potentially nasty bruising later. “Erin?” She breathed out, her voice barely above a whisper, but the panic in it apparent. 

The other woman didn’t answer however. Her body was shaking and convulsing under Holtzmann’s touch. Her eyes were shut tight, the skin on her forehead and her cheeks going pale from the pressure. Beads of sweat poured out from all over her, and she started to clench her fingers and toes. 

The blonde was scared, all she could do was hold onto the other woman. Her arms wrapping around Erin’s mid-section, she brought her close to her own body and rested her cheek on top of Erin’s head. She wanted to call for help, to have _ anybody  _ come and help, but she couldn’t leave Erin here like this. 

“Shhh, shhh, you’re okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you. I have you, baby, you’re okay.” Holtzmann repeated, her voice staying as calm as she could manage. Erin’s body, though still shaking, started to relax in her touch. Her eyes were still closed and her skin was still clammy, but she no longer looked as if she was in pain. Jillian leaned in and placed a few very soft and delicate kisses to Erin’s forehead in an attempt to ease the other woman further. 

“Erin, baby,” Holtzmann whispered into Erin’s ear, “I gotta move you, okay? It’ll be fast.” The blonde had noticed the other woman had begun to dig her heels into the wood floor, scratching her skin and causing her feet to bleed slightly. Before waiting for Erin to give any sort of answer, Holtzmann hooked one arm under the woman’s knees and the other around her shoulders, picking her up with ease. She carried her quickly to the nearest bed, her own, and letting her down gently on top of the covers. Erin’s body had gone stiff again, but relaxed once Holtzmann climbed in behind her, her back up against the headboard. The blonde pulled the other woman up so her back was leaning against her chest, and she wrapped her arms around her. 

They stayed like that for a long time. Holtzmann didn’t want to move Erin in case she had fallen asleep. She contemplated sleeping herself, but couldn’t clear her mind enough to even begin the process. The constant image of Erin up on the ledge of the window, her fingers gripping the walls the only thing keeping her here, with her. She was so close to being gone. She could have jumped and Holtzmann wouldn’t even have noticed until she saw an ambulance pull up outside. 

Thankfully, she was pulled from her thoughts as she felt Erin stir under her arms. 

 

~

 

The last thing Erin remembered was Holtzmann’s eyes staring at her, like she was in danger. She remembered trying to say something, but not being able to speak. She had felt her knees go weak, and then everything went black. Except.. She could still feel pain, and worry. It was horrible and she wanted it to end. 

When she woke up she was confused. She hadn’t remembered getting back into bed, and… she hadn’t remembered spilling water on herself. Was that why her shirt was so damp? Her eyes wandered around for a minute, taking in that she wasn’t, in fact, in her own bed. She was in Holtzmann’s.  _ Oh, god. Holtzmann.  _

Erin sat up quickly, feeling something on her chest give out unexpectedly. Her head felt dizzy and her eyes rolled back into her head, feeling her body go limp and fall backwards. 

She was only out for a second before she regained consciousness. 

“Erin, baby, please come back to me, please please please,” She heard coming from behind her. The voice was sick with worry, it took her a few seconds to determine who it belonged to. 

“Holtzmann?” She asked, her voice shaky and unsure. She could feel the woman behind her let out a sigh as her chest moved out. 

“Yeah, baby, it’s me. I’m here.” Holtzmann wrapped her arms a little tighter around Erin’s body and leaned in again to kiss her forehead. “God I was so worried, you were having a seizure or a panic attack or something, I… I don’t know. I was so scared.”

It took Erin a second to remember everything that had happened. She remembered putting on her pajamas. She remembered the window, and looking out into the city. She remembered feeling wetness on her cheeks and something pulling on her heart. 

Erin let out a dry sob as she remembered the messages from her mother. The woman who brought her into this life and was supposed to love her and treasure her, but instead wants nothing to do with her. Erin thought of all the times when she was younger, when she would win science fairs and trophies. She remembered all the smiles on her parents’ faces, the hugs and family outing and celebration dinner parties. She also remembered the day all of that ended, the day her mother stopped loving her. 

“Erin?” 

Erin’s mind broke free from her thoughts when she heard Holtzmann’s voice again. Her head fell back to rest on the blonde’s chest, relaxing as her body slowly fell into rhythm with the other woman’s breaths. 

“I’m so sorry.” Erin breathed out, her voice, although a little more alive, sounded completely empty of emotion. A small kiss was placed onto the side of her head and the redhead sat up, turning her body to face Holtzmann. 

Jillian’s face was pale, stricken with worry, tear-stained, but.. happy.  No, not happy. Relieved. Erin wished silently that she could see what she looked like herself, but was happy there wasn’t a mirror in sight, because she knew she didn’t look good. She felt like throwing up. “I’m… just…” She started, but she couldn’t find the words she needed. What was she supposed to say?  _ Hey, sorry, Holtzy, I wasn’t going to kill myself just wanted to jump out the fucking window and break every bone in my body.  _ Yeah, right. 

Holtzmann sighed and lifted a hand to lightly touch Erin’s cheek. She was about to tell her it was alright, that everything was going to be okay, but her words got dismissed when she felt Erin’s skin. It was cold as death, clammy, and sweaty as all hell. Jillian looked over the other woman, she was sweating head to toe, her hair was soaked and her clothes clung to her body. 

“Baby,” Holtz stuttered, bringing her hand away from Erin’s face. “We should get you cleaned up.” She stated, her voice sounding more like a demand than a suggestion. 

Erin furrowed her brows, just noticing herself how disgusting she felt. Her body was still shaking, she felt both hot and cold at the same time and could feel her sweat sitting stagnant on her skin. She nodded lightly and pulled at her shirt, which was almost completely see through. The fabric clung to her stomach, making Erin feel vulnerable and exposed. Her hands crossed in front of her to try and shield herself. 

“It’s okay, baby, nothing I haven’t seen.” Holtzmann winked. She immediately felt guilty about joking, but Erin gave her a small smile in response. Jillian stood up slowly, holding her hands out to Erin in an attempt to help her up. 

Erin licked her lips and took a deep breath, placing her hands gently into Holtz’s. She made an attempt to stand on her own, but she didn’t have to try very hard as Jillian practically took her whole weight as she slung Erin’s arm around her shoulder. The two walked slowly across the dark room, pausing only temporarily so Holtzmann could open the bathroom door. 

The light flicked on and Erin squinted her eyes. The upstairs bathroom was quite small, it had a shower/tub combo, a small, porcelain sink, and a toilet. There was hardly room enough in there for the both of them to fit inside. 

Jillian carefully took Erin’s arm from around her shoulder and leaned her against the sink. She left the room for a second before coming back with a small, collapsable folding chair. She set it up and placed it in the middle of the bathtub, under the shower head. 

“I figured you didn’t want a bath, and, I don’t know how tired you are so maybe you could sit down in the shower.” Holtzmann shrugged, running a hand through her blonde hair. “I can, um..” She shuffled her body along the wall, her hand reaching for the doorknob. “I can wait outside if you want, or you can leave the door open.” Her voice was soft, she didn’t want to leave Erin by herself, but she didn’t want to impose either. 

Erin looked at her for a few seconds, her face void of an expression. Subconsciously, her hands drifted across her stomach again. 

“Can you help me?” She asked, her face suddenly looking scared and unsure. She knew it was a weird request, but she also knew she sure as hell didn’t want to be by herself anymore tonight. 

Holtzmann nodded, taking her hand off of the doorknob and walking over to the shower. “I’ll start the water if you wanna go ahead and get undressed.” She felt her cheeks flush lightly. “I won’t look, I promise.” She turned to face the tub and heard Erin move around behind her. Holtzmann’s fingers turned the knob and the sound of running water filled the room. She adjusted the temperature until she couldn't hear Erin fussing behind her anymore. 

She turned around to see Erin’s clothes tossed in a pile on the floor. She tried her best to keep her promise and not stare, but it proved difficult while trying to help her into the tub. Holtzmann placed one hand on the small of her back and gently guided her to the chair, taking one of her hands to help steady her as she sat down. 

 

~

 

Erin was exhausted. Every movement felt like she had just run a marathon, even talking tired her out. She found it incredibly difficult to feel embarrassed about being naked when she couldn’t even think straight, every few seconds she had to remind herself where she even was. 

The plastic chair was cold against her bare skin and she shivered, but she was soon showered with warm water. She let out an involuntary sigh of relief and closed her eyes, leaning her head back and letting her hair get wet. 

Feeling something brush across her legs, she snapped her head up, water flying off of the ends of her hair. 

“Sorry!” Holtzmann said quickly, not realizing she had scared her. She had grabbed a small washcloth and was trying to wipe the sweat off of her skin. “I should’ve asked.” She admitted, realizing her mistake. 

Erin replied with a soft grunt and hung her head down, lightly lifting her fingers to trace lines across her legs. 

Holtzmann furrowed her brows and watched Erin as she moved her fingers, just now noticing the shapes she was copying. “Oh my god,” Jillian breathed out, feeling her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach. 

Several long, faded scars littered Erin’s thighs. They were old, years old, but still visible. Holtzmann sat on the edge of the tub, unsure of what to say. 

Time passed slowly for the next few minutes, the both of them sitting in silence, neither sure of what to say. The water had begun to run cold when Erin finally spoke up. 

“I was nine.” Her voice was shaky but determined. Holtzmann tore her eyes away from the physicists legs and looked at her face, confused. 

“Sorry?” Holtz asked, not sure what she was talking about. Her hand reached to the side and turned the hot water up.

“When I did this one,” Erin answered, tracing the lightest scar on her leg, it was barely visible next to the others. “My parents sent me to my third therapist. I don’t know why they kept changing offices, probably because they all just said I was making it up. They didn’t want to believe I was crazy.” Erin could feel herself start to tear up again, but she needed to say this, she needed to just get it out for once. “They yelled at me really bad that night. They told me I was lying about seeing a ghost and I was just doing it for the attention. I was a failure to them, to everyone.” Her fists clenched and she looked over to Holtzmann, whose eyes were fixed on hers, listening intently. “I took a knife from the kitchen up to my room and I… I don’t even think I was knew what I was going to do with it, you know? I was so little, I just wanted… to feel like I was real. It all seemed like a dream.” She trailed off, her voice quiet again. She left out a soft breath. “My parents never noticed the knife was missing, or that I kept using all the bad-aids. They didn’t notice anything about me.” A tear fell from her eyes and she quickly brushed it away, feeling the wrinkles on her fingers from being in the shower for too long. 

“Can I get out? “ Erin asked, her voice sounding slightly panicked. She felt trapped in there, the steam from the shower fogging up the glass on the mirror and clouding the already small room.

Holtzmann hopped up immediately, turning the water off and pulling an oversized towel from the stack next to the door. She flung it around Erin’s shoulders and helped her stand up and step out of the tub. The two of them stood for a moment, both avoiding the eyes of the other.

“Your pants are wet.” Erin stated, breaking the silence, looking down at Holtz’s overalls. 

“Huh?” The blonde answered, glancing down at herself and noticing her clothes were soaked through from the shower. “Oh, no worries, I need to put pajamas on anyway.” She shrugged, opening the bathroom door. The cool air from the other room came rushing in and Erin shivered, clutching the towel tighter around herself. “Come on,” Holtzmann put an arm around Erin’s shoulders and ushered her out of the bathroom. She sat on the edge of her bed and she waited for Erin to get dressed, playing with her hands in her lap. 

 

~

 

Erin wasn’t sure what she had expected to happen. Maybe she wanted Holtzmann to yell at her, or cry, or say  _ something _ , but she really didn’t want her to be silent. Her mind was racing through all the worst reasons why the other woman wasn’t speaking. Was she mad at her? Did she think she was stupid for doing any of this? Did she not want to be friends with her anymore? Did she think she was broken too, just like her parents did? 

“I’m sorry,” Erin blurted out before she could think of any more scenarios. “I’m sorry I did all of this and I’m sorry for dragging you into it.” She noticed Holtz stare up at her from the edge of her bed. Erin as only half dressed in a new t-shirt and underwear but she couldn’t wait any longer. “You don’t deserve this and you don’t need a friend that’s so messed up and my mom called me earlier and she just  _ fucks _ me up so bad and I know none of this is a good reason but I just can’t handle it and I want to die when I think about her and I’m still broken and I can’t-” Erin was cut off by a pair of arms wrapping around her and hugging her tight. Her legs were lifted slightly off the ground and she clung onto the other woman for dear life. 

“Please stop,” Holtzmann begged, setting the older woman back on the ground but not letting go of her. “You’re not messed up and I don’t want you thinking like that.” Her face was buried into Erin’s chest and her eyes were shut tight, trying to think of what to say to make the other woman feel better. “Erin you’re not broken.” She continued, pulling away and holding the woman’s head in her hands, looking her in the eyes. 

They were both crying at this point, but Holtzmann needed to say what she had to say. 

“You’re not broken.” She repeated. “Don’t apologize to me, I’m here for you now and I always will be. You’re not broken. We love you. I love you. Please don’t do this to yourself.” Her voice as quiet but strong, she needed to make her listen. Holtzmann leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Erin’s lips. It only lasted a second, but she could feel Erin’s body relax under her. “Please don’t do this to yourself. Let us help you.”

“I think I need to go to sleep.” Erin uttered, her head pressed against the top of Holtzmann’s, her tears falling into the other woman's blonde hair.  She knew that’s not what Holtz wanted to hear, but she could hardly process the words she had said, let alone think of an appropriate answer. 

“Okay, baby.” The smaller woman whispered, letting her hands fall from her face. She took a small step back and ran a hand through her blonde curls, which were slightly damp. “Do you need anything?” She asked hesitantly, her eyes glancing over Erin. 

The room was quiet again, sounds from outside drifting in. The floor creaked as Holtzmann shifted her weight. “If you want-”

“You.” Erin interrupted. 

“Hm?” The blonde asked, looking over to the other woman.

“I need you to stay with me tonight.” She clarified, turning around and sitting down on her bed, looking down to the floor. “I need you.” Her voice was tired, the words almost slurred together. 

Holtzmann didn’t answer back. She shrugged her jacket off and walked over to her dresser, quickly changing out of her wet overalls and into a pair of pajama bottoms. 

The pair laid down in Erin’s bed together, the muffled sounds of New York City dancing in through the open window. Holtzmann took comfort in her arms wrapped around Erin’s stomach, feeling her heartbeat through her shirt. Erin took comfort in knowing that, even if she  _ was _ broken, she had found someone who could make her whole again. 


End file.
